Friday, June 20, 2014

Self esteem.

I have a self esteem issue. I can remember when I was middle school age getting ready for church; I would change my outfit several times because I was so worried what others would think of me. I wanted approval so badly and wanted to fit in. (Don't we all though). I hated the way I looked, the way I dressed, and the fact that I was super quiet and would never be confident enough to talk to others. It was a real problem. Now that I'm in my twenties, it's gotten better in some areas but has stayed the same in others. My parents and my husband, even my boss/ co worker has mentioned that I need to be a little more confident. I try, I try to hold my head up, but fear takes over and there I go back into my shell. Confidence is something I've been working on since my middle school days. It's a struggle and it seems like a ridiculous problem to have, but it is what it is. I found this via Pinterest yesterday and just had to share! It's definitely an ever opener. My mom told me yesterday that I've worried and stressed so much since I was a little girl that I haven't been able to enjoy life and she's right. Here's to turning that around. 
"Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles, and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident, and more and more successful." Mark victor Hansen. 


Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Just go with it

Sometimes I lose my focus. I go throughout the day with nothing to look forward to. It's frustrating really. I get up, do hair, go home and cuddle with my loves, wake up and do it all over again. I used to have so many plans to travel, to become a famous stylist, but God had different plans. He put me right where I needed to be, introduced me to my husband and now I'm still searching for what He has planned for our future. I'm trying to train myself to spend every morning with Him, but I fail at that. If I don't, I feel like that's when I lose focus. I start struggling and feel lost; I feel that this is it. But then I remind myself that He is in control. He has everything already planned. I have a purpose and so does my husband. I have to stop thinking so far ahead and asking the "what ifs." So, I need to start focusing on the NOW. What is He wanting me to learn, do, now, today? He will take care of my future. He knows what's ahead, so why should I worry about it? Well, my human nature tells me I need to have everything figured out. No, I don't. I'm slowly learning to just go with it. Just let go and leave it up to Him. Xx

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Modern day idols

I started No other Gods by Kelly Minter last night. I've had this bible study for almost a year now and never once opened the book. I remembered I had it while I was at work. I'm on the second day and I'm already struggling to be honest with myself when it comes to my idols. My career can be the center of vanity. Beauty, hair products, and the constant need to look a certain way can drive someone crazy. Before beauty school, my hair had never been professionally colored, I wore minimal makeup, and I didn't really care if I had long, luscious, lashes.  I ran into someone today would didn't recognize me. I'm not saying any of this stuff is I love it and it's what I chose to do for a living (for now), but it becomes a problem when it starts to consume you. That's my problem. As i was reading in today's study, Kelly said to write down some of your idols. I wrote fear; yes it is an idol of mine, but after I finished today's lesson I started thinking: my constant need to always make sure I look the part, spending so much time in the mirror, measuring my success and happiness by the amount of clients I had that day are few of the idols I let take over my thoughts. 
My priorities are not right. 
Those idols, those thoughts, consume me like wildfire while I'm at work. I can't even tell you how heartbroken it makes me that I've become this way. My job as a Christian is to serve others: not myself. As a stylist, I see so many people throughout the week that I can serve, but it's never Gods work it's always my own. It's always my own vain intention. So, with all this being said, I'm praying for God to step into my career and take control. I want Him to show me how He can work through my vain, selfish self. (By the way, when I say vain I do not refer to it as I think highly of myself. No, no, no.) I don't want to constantly feel like I have to look perfect at every single moment- believing that that is going to help my career. HE is the only One in charge of what happens with my career ultimately. 

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Monday. Tuesday. And today.

I would like to write more, but I don't have internet yet, so I'm sitting at the salon parking lot using my 3G data. Oh well. I'm going to start with Monday and jump to Tuesday. Monday it was all I could do to get out of my bed. I kept falling back into the same dream every time I woke up that morning. The dream was so bizarre ( as they usually are) and it made me feel weird. I finally forced myself out of bed around 9:00. I got up and just felt mentally exhausted. Thankfully I was off work and I could just relax but that didn't happen. My car decided to over heat again and I got stuck in a parking lot, the dinner I made for my husband didn't turn out the way I planned, and financial problems kept weighing me down. I felt like no matter what happened that day I couldn't breathe. I felt like I couldn't get my head above water. So, I prayed. I journaled. I talked to my cat; did everything I could to make myself feel better. I felt heavy and I couldn't figure out why. 
Yesterday, I woke up in a better mood, but I was afraid as the day went on I would shut down again. Then I came across this:  
I constantly have to be doing something. It hit me all at once. If I'm not doing something that fills my soul, I get anxious, afraid, etc. God introduced me to a woman yesterday that had the same issue. Her haircut turned into a color, so we had plenty of time to talk and get to know one another. How we started talking about our issues I have no idea, but that doesn't matter. After we talked I felt like I wasn't completely insane for always wanting more. My biggest problem with that: I tend to search for things other than The Lord and I know better than that. I never understood why I couldn't be happy and yesterday I did. I have been a believer my whole life but God was always temporary. I'd find Him and forget He was there. My goal for the next 30 days I've decided is to spend every single morning with Him. I want to start searching for Him and not for frivolous, temporary soul filling crap. I have a feeling it'll change everything. He is the only One who can make my soul fully satisfied. My husband, cat, family, writing make my soul oh so happy, but I desperately need Jesus to fulfil me.
*photo credit: Anxiety support on Instagram

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Stabilizing and Balancing

It's hard to have a stable mind sometimes. My balance has been off too. Balancing my thoughts, my diet, my husband, and work has been a struggle. Everything seems so unstable. So I did some writing last night, burned some incense a hippie gave me, and watched Pixie pounce our down comforter. My brain is telling me I need to get a grip and get some sort of routine, but there's so many things I need organize in my life I don't know where to start.
Well, yes I do.

Anxiety is caused by uncertainty and sometimes we don't always know what we are uncertain about. Not knowing what the future holds, fear of losing a job, a loved one, or even being afraid of losing your own life in some sort of freak accident are can be few of the many things anxious ones think about constantly. Or at least this girl does. Anxiety tells you to be afraid. Being afraid and uncertain about various things means you aren't trusting in the One who IS certain. I know there are many other problems associated with the word Anxiety, I'm just sharing my struggle with it. I have such a hard time believing that God is in control all time, every day. There are certain times during my day when I'm at peace; when i'm actually not overly anxious.
When I have my shears in my hand at work (I'm a hairstylist),
When I sit on my swing in the morning and sunset,
When I'm at home in my bed with my kitten, writing or burning candles, music, hearing other people laugh, wearing flow-y outfits, reading my devotional, hearing others talk about Christ. Those are things that make me calm. I try to think of those things when I'm in a yuck situation and I feel the anxiety boiling in my blood. I've been in and out of counseling (I'll write more on that another day) and she always told me to think of things that made me happy throughout the day: Make a list like I just did, memorize scripture, pray, download the free app called, write, get some sun.

So to start my balancing act ( ha, you can laugh), I need to begin with trusting Him and thinking of good things throughout the day. Baby steps though.

Much love to you all. xx

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

For my soul

I'm so used to living in the city. When I first moved to the country side I wasn't sure how I'd like it.  Not being down the road from Sonic was a struggle actually. I know, go ahead and giggle at me. This morning I sat outside for a bit thinking about how much is come to enjoy not being so close to the heavy traffic and loud engines going back and forth on the highway. Every now and then a few cars pass, but it's so much more peaceful out here. There's trees all behind me and trees and that say hello/goodbye as I leave my house. Being out in the country lets you breathe; it lets you think. I'm an anxious person, so the stillness of the my side of town is relaxing. I can listen to the birds and crickets. I feel at ease. I decided to start writing again because I feel like there's a purpose. I have been suffering from anxiety/depression disorder since I was a young girl. For the past few years, I've debated on whether or not I should share my struggle with the internet. Lately I've been seeing more women around my age (early to mid twenties) that have the same daily struggles I do. I want this to be my outlet as well as yours. I want this to be a place of comfort and love and all the good things we struggle to find. Of course this won't be a blog full of negative depressing thoughts, no. It'll be more of me sharing, encouraging and loving on those who crave it (like I do). My gut is telling me that our sweet Savior will do great things through our pain. We just need to hold onto Him. He is my focus and my priority as I learn how to cope. We will win this. This is for my soul and yours. xx